I recently ran into a woman who I met and befriended around the same time I met my fiance. For a while she and I were close when we were both single. As a natural part of friendship, I shared with her a lot of those gitty early relationship moments you share with your girlfriends when you start dating someone new. As time passed we stopped keeping in touch, so when I ran into her I was genuinely happy to see her. I thought she felt the same until she started throwing shade my way.
Little digs such as, “she was all about her man”, and “yeah I spoke to a mutual acquaintance a while back and we talked about how you was all about dude”, would have barely registered if she hadn’t made an effort to keep mentioning it at every opportunity. It’s funny that six years later this is why she thinks we fell out of touch. As I recall, I stopped my efforts to communicate with her when she continuously cancelled plans to hang out, often times as part of girls night out or one on one girl time, at the very last minute.
It’s interesting how as women it’s easier to bond with each other when we are single and dating, or bitter and angry at men as opposed to when we are happy and at the beginning stages of falling in love. How many nights have we sat up all night and male bashed some loser one of us was dating so that we could be “a supportive friend”? I recall many nights I sat in cars at the end of a girls night out and talked for hours with my girls about why we made the same mistakes in choosing men. Yet somehow, when we finally do get into real relationships it’s the time that I find the most stressful on female friendships. We were cool when I was single and miserable, so why are you mad I finally met someone I want to get to know and spend real time with?
As I always say, there’s a difference between dating to kill time while tasting the variety of options available. It is a whole other thing to date with the end goal of marriage and kids in mind for your near future. As women why are we not more supportive of each other when we finally get into a healthy and potentially long term relationship? My closest girlfriends who have known me the longest have never judged me for not wanting to end up alone. And when I first started dating my fiance, they were genuinely happy for me as I have been for them in their various relationships. They allowed me the space and time to develop that relationship without ever making me feel guilty. My friends by example, have taught me to be supportive and loving regardless of the comings and goings of the men in our lives. If any friend of mine wanted to talk endlessly about the latest man in their lives or disappeared off the planet for six months because they were buried in a love cave, I wouldn’t throw shade. Instead I’d say girl, go get that man, because at the end of the day I want my friends to be able to experience all the love they deserve. If our friendship is strong enough, it will survive any budding romance.
So it kinda made me sad that someone who I once thought of briefly as a friend, seemed so bitter even after years had passed and I was now engaged to “that dude”. I wouldn’t trade the group of women in my small sister circle for anything in the world and having run into her, it just makes me all the more grateful for them. Good friends, and grown women aren’t haters.